Log in

No account? Create an account
Pants' Journal [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[13 Apr 2010|11:47pm]
north american makes me feel like a monster.
4 comments|post comment

[16 Nov 2009|12:57pm]
I've Said It Before and I'll Say It Again

I've said it before and I'll say it again:
It's not my fault that with a broken heart, I've gone this way.

In front of a mirror they have put me like a parrot,
And behind the mirror the Teacher tells me what to say.

Whether I am perceived as a thorn or a rose, it's
The Gardener who has fed and nourished me day to day.

O friends, don't blame me for this broken heart;
Inside me there is a great jewel and it's to the Jeweler's shop I go.

Even though, to pious, drinking wine is a sin,
Don't judge me; I use it as a bleach to wash the color of hypocrisy away.

All that laughing and weeping of lovers must be coming from some other place;
Here, all night I sing with my winecup and then moan for You all day.

If someone were to ask Hafiz, "Why do you spend all your time sitting in
The Winehouse door?," to this man I would say, "From there, standing,
I can see both the Path and the Way.
post comment

[20 Sep 2009|11:50pm]
why do i feel so lost?

I'm beginning to reconsider the venture I've been slipping into - this lady seems like all she wants to do is powertrip, and now i'm thinkin - how much creative control could I possibly have when there's so many other people put in place just to be creative?

maybe this is just another waste of time, and finally, for fucks sake, at last, I should say a big eff you to the interactive world and set myself free.

I don't even know what where or how, but for the love of life - why am I just so afraid to go ahead and do this thing??
post comment

[09 Jun 2009|10:53am]
had no idea it was ever possible to be THIS hurt.
1 comment|post comment

[25 Mar 2009|11:57am]
today is the first day I've felt happy and without emotional weights upon my shoulders for a very long time.

Finally after months, almost a year, I feel light, without strings pulling apart my inner central to the left insides. I feel clear, unclouded, capable, loved, independent, on a path, strong, and optimistic. I'm nowhere near complete, but I do feel like I've got both feet firmly balanced, and am looking forward to continue my strengthening and keep on this path of regaining my individuality, functioning solely as one, independent, self reliant, and self actualized.

making me happy are: music, music making, persian culture, and exploring the emotional and sentimental history of my family. connecting with my family on a mutual level, and gaining respect for my mother alongside my father. and challenging them, as I find that together, it becomes a greater positive challenge for me. this is where my focus must be for the next few years.

thank you for this freedom.
post comment

[27 Nov 2008|03:06pm]
I'm so bloody frusterated, because i've realized i don't know how to EXPRESS MYSELF anymore. I am BURSTING with emotion, with feeling, with understandings and thoughts, so many thoughts - too many thoughts, so many i can't even wrap my head around them - and i don't know how to express this all in a way that takes it off my chest. and places it in front of me in a way that feels resolved.

i want so badly to finally wrap my head around these things, to figure out how i can best present them to the world, to whomever, it doesn't even matter, but to get them in front of me in a way that satisfies me.

i used to be so great at expressing myself, and now i feel blocked. like so much of it all has been crammed into this head of mine that i keep gagging, but nothing will come out. i want to barf it out, projective barf it out - so that someone out there can see what it is i see and have a conversation with me about it - rather than me just teling people, and them trying to make me feel better.

i don't want to feel better. these are the things that make up life. i just want to be able to eloquently express it and engage in conversation.
post comment

[06 Jul 2008|02:19pm]
I'm located here now:

1 comment|post comment

[16 Mar 2008|10:17am]
bye bye mary!!!! BYE BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
post comment

[28 Oct 2007|10:12pm]
life definitely doesn't get easier.

since a while ago, my job and i split our own way, and now i'm again a recent graduate lookin for a job. been realizing a lot, and learning even more as of late.

i'm not really sure where i belong in this world. or what i'm supposed to be doing. and where i should be doing it.

on the flipside, i got a teaching gig at ocad, 6 hours on fridays. last friday was my first day, and it was... you know, i liked it. mostly i liked when they said they learned more in those two hours than in the past 5 classes. that felt really good. i also liked how having a head on no bullshit attitude really seemed to work well. i mean, at the end of the day... we should all be there with the same goal. some kid was sleeping, and i said i think he should go home, cuz he makes me want to sleep, and it's just not good. he should come back when he's well rested, because i mean really... he looked like he needed it.

i miss feeling like i was on top of the world. and i miss feeling secure.
post comment

[17 Oct 2007|03:27pm]
"We will worm our way, expending considerable effort, into the small end of the cornucopia, in order that we may later emerge, expending less effort and having the time of our life, out of the large end."
post comment

[14 Oct 2007|05:34am]
life is funny, because you really can never have it all

there's a lot floating around in this head of mine, but at the end of the day - its blatantly obvious what i need to do - or at least, the very first step - to getting myself somewhat grounded in this thing called life.

to say i feel aloof would be an understatement. this idea of being done school and not knowing whats up is fucked. i keep flippidly flopping between panics around stability and establishment, to flashes of me bouncing the fuck outta here without a worry on my mind. i mean, its easy, i just need a couple thousand donairs, and at least two destinations to crash at for extended amounts of time, and surely after two stops I'll have the backbone necessary to continue if i feel the need to be.

its just whack tho. cuz for some reason, it doesn't seem to be a easy as i thunk.
for one, i'm in a job - but a job i'm not sure whats quite up at. any minute i could be told i'm not the right fit, and its time to go. its been about two months now (short a week or two), and its like... shit, i just started this job, its time to commit!

but then - fuckin commit? man, i just finished school.i got bigger worries on my mind than employment - like my sanity. and mental well being. i need to achieve "okayness" in all sectors of life here. i wanna be fuckin happy, and as gay as this sounds, i wanna feel like i'm on a rollercoaster for extended amounts of time. without the aid of artificial stimulants. i want some reality induced stimulation. the artificial shit can follow as usual, but i'm tired of this artificial shit all up in my face.

natural high's. something real. i dunno, i can stick around for a few more months and see if i can get something real, where i am now, with the restrictions and duties i'm under. but i think if in a couple months, things aren't so peachy - i need to come up with a plan for hobs, and then go splitsville till i can understand what life is supposed to be.

but i think my num one priority should be not getting stuck here without checking out other shit. everybody get stuck these days. first its the job, and then it's a baby. just cuz i got a job here don't mean there is not another one waiting for me around the globe. i dunno, just somethin to think about'.
post comment

more praise for life [03 Sep 2007|05:38am]
yesterday i moved into my new diggs. at last! and to sum it all up in short, it's absolutely lovely. still sinking in, but the space and environment are both so welcoming, comforting, and overall - this place feels like a home. our home. my new roommate is awesome. i need to work on my communication skills and not grow careless here. i have been learning my lessons, you know.

so life is great. i'm really looking forward to tuesday and working. today was lovely, putting my room together and hanging with riccardo and the badmath crew atop the roof watching the air show. i should really befriend cute lawyers more often. seriously.

my mission from here on is clear. make work my life, keep the home problem free and hobs plus happy, enjoy time with friends, get a new computer and work on my skills, and get hot and use my time wisely.

need a haircut, shopping, and waste less money.

life has a way of moving along faster than you can process.
post comment

[27 Aug 2007|12:39pm]
today is the start of a new era
first day at work
nervous out of my mind
not sure if i'm wearing the right outfit for the first day, but its all that's clean.

me myself n i
2 comments|post comment

[16 Aug 2007|03:39pm]
Yesterday I got an insane job offer, and even tho the job is not entirely what I'd like to be doing (in fact, practically the opposite), the money is too good... and I think I have to succumb to responsibility and just suck it up and do this shit. for one year. have a plan, and make retarded amounts of cash. and save it up. and while I work during the days on this shit, work on the shit I love at night. and in one year's time, rise again and reconfigure.

also, very likely visiting thompson in the prairies for a week in september!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! good gord am i excited

and ceasar off at erindod's this friday. and island adventures next weekend. and parents moving out this weekend. unfortunately missing out on cottage this weekend, but responsibility calls.

funny how things fall together.
4 comments|post comment

[13 Aug 2007|01:19pm]
today I am off to say goodbye to quite possibly one of the most wonderful souls I've had the pleasure of meeting in my life. Heino will be greatly missed, and always remembered as the first with whom I truly connected, with such ease.
post comment

[02 Aug 2007|08:42am]
the good news is that slowly but surely my after effects skills are picking up, and that i'm making money.
also, i can now actually see how i can put together a "reel" based on what i got so far, and what i'm working on. to top that off, I have about 3 leads into different production studios, and also - i'm calf deep in a private venture with a friend - a potential partnership which could last for some time, possibly.

I have a house with an awesome new roommate lined up, and a trip is on the horizon.

so then what is the problem? i'm feeling drained lately, no matter how much sleep I get. the parentals have sold the house and we move in 3 weeks. this warrants its own entry which will come in time.
overall I find my affair with my bed is growing, and I'm prefering the company of individual friends over large groups.

over the past month, I've also touched up on my flash skills - so a website is fast on the horizon.

on the whole, it seems that until I have my route properly planned out with a stable job and an income that's at least 4 times my rent, i can't seem to sit easy and sigh without any worries.

in a month the reel and resume should be ready, at which point I decide to take a break, or just spread myself across toronto and split after.
post comment

[22 Jun 2007|03:01pm]
I have such a love/hate relationship with the saying "everything happens for a reason", but at the end of the day - it really does seem to do just so.
post comment

worthy of update [11 Jun 2007|04:56pm]
hey livejournal
i'm back again with yet another important memory to record.

On friday I had my first showing at a gallery! Myself, along with Julia, Molly, Mel, Kerry and Noelle showed our shit over at O My gallery, and it was a ridiculous success!
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo many incredible faces, ridiculous times, incredible art, amazing support - it was AWESOME. I now understand why people do this for a living!

I had no idea. especially since I have never really showed any of my stuff publicly, this was a really surreal experience. To have people see your work, and tell you they love it, to engage in conversation about it, meet people and make plans for what's next to come. Hazel and I discussed printing fabric and we're already in the talks of doing another rough girls show in 6 weeks.

Most of the night was really a blurr, but I just remember this overwhelming feeling of happiness, everywhere I looked were amazing friends, talented bitches, a most wonderful crowd of people - crazy shenanigans and wild dancing afterwards. It was so packed, dude sold out of all his beers and is dying to book us for another show. (except the gallery is super sketchy and we are looking into alternative venues now).

Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much to all of those who came out and supported us!

In other news, double dutch league is about to start soon, so watch yourself!
1 comment|post comment

[31 May 2007|03:06pm]
Hey Livejournal,

It's been forever, and I almost forgot about you!

Ok... so where to start.

I'm now officlaly "graduated", with a degree - and since, some things have changed. Mostly tho, I'm now fearing that I'm losing momentum and getting sucked into something which is not a good idea for my fresh outta school self. I feel like I got a lot of creative energy, and right now, it's just dying as I'm sitting behind a computer doing mindless monkey work.

But I must not forget that I chose to take this job because it would buy me time, and well... more importantly, it would give me overall "buying" power, because fuck! hello! MONEEYY. so yeah... money. hm. not sure if I've made the right decision by stagnating here for a little while, but the convenience of it makes it all too easy. and so here I am. have given my word for at least a couple months - so in the meantime, the goal should be to use these megafast superquiet power computers to render out some of my own work.

more importantly than anything tho, I need to begin training myself to continue learning without the assistance of school. Goals are good, and so for today I will set a simple one:
find 5 websites that are worthy of visiting daily, bookmark those fuckers, and then do just that: visit them daily. need to keep my mind fresh with design thought. and most importantly - do not let the system govern me. just because I'm a junior doesn't mean I have to seccumb to how others think things should be done.

more important than EVERYTHING - I gotta stop being lazy.

ok, tonight - I leave work at 6, and head up home - clean up. figure out the bills I gotta pay, and get money for rent. make a meal, and read a book. make some serious plans, and fucking make better use of the minutes in the day.

really gotta start working on my own projects and get those videos under way.
read a good book. i need a good book.

any suggestions?
1 comment|post comment

[02 May 2007|11:19am]
I dunno what's going on with me, but for some reason, I seem to be on team Britney now. big time. literally rooting for her. hoping she comes back like never before. this is britney spears by the way. yah. not sure what is up with that. but i sure know what is up with britney.
post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]